At Least I’m Not As Sad … As I Used To Be.

So fun. released a new song and it’s pretty much explaining my life right now. 

“And they said, hey Nate, now is that all
I began to smile and I said
You should have seen me a couple of years ago
I was laughing and drinking and smoking and singing
Come on can you count all the loves that didn’t last
He said you get us when you bring up the past…”

“At least I’m not as sad as I used to be…”

“I don’t keep friends, I keep aquatinted…”
“I don’t fall in love, I fake it…”

 i just feel like this song is about old friends and how things have changed over the years.
 i remembered that i used to be a pretty depressing guy back in the day and was very sad about things.
now, i’m not “as sad as i used to be” and now i just let life roll on.

i don’t know the definition of a friend.
i know the definition of sister, brother, and i believe BEST friend, but not really just friend. 
i can talk to people, but BEST friends are who i actually “talk” to about my life.
acquaintances are what the others are. i’m sorry, but that’s truly how i feel.
if you are reading this and are upset by it because of me, then come and talk to me about it, don’t jump to conclusions because you never know, i may actually consider you as a BEST friend or brother/sister rather than an acquaintance.  

so for the people that remember me from back in the day, a little something for you to know about me now

i’m not as sad as i used to be.

If I Get Murdered In The City,…

i’ve realized lately what friendships really mean.
there are some that are real, there are some that are fake.

there are friendships that last, and some that don’t. 
sometimes people aren’t meant to be friends because they just can’t get farther than “how are you”.

what’s the point of hanging out once alone with a person. when they are the opposite sex, and you are doing things
that are completely worthy of being on a date, it’s a date. but, you know you do not like them and they do not like you.
so what do you do? you realize mid-way through this “day” that you may possibly have a thing for them, but know they still don’t like you. this is what destroys relationships with people. how are you supposed to act now? you act that way you did on that day of just you and them, and they completely ignore you or wonder why you are acting so weird. 

it’s called a “lead-off”. it’s where someone leads the other person to think something that really isn’t true. it can ruin a friendship, relationship. don’t be apart of one. they are terrible, horrible things. 

 

as for me,… life’s getting colder. and i’m getting colder. my emotions are leaving me and apathy is settling in with friendships, school, and life in general. 

“what makes a man want to break a heart with ease?”
-city and colour

This Will Be the Downfall of Us All…

from time to time, things happen and we never expect them to. we say things we don’t mean, but for some reason we’re okay with the fact that they happened.

sometimes we do things, but we don’t know why we do them because they aren’t who we are as people. we wonder why God allowed us to do those certain things. our faith, our thoughts were only directed towards Him, so why did this happen? 

we wonder where God has been? why has He left us?  when in fact, its not God that has left, it has been us. i’d like to quote manchester orchestra from their live session on the interface on this one.

“God, my God, where have you been? 
  Child, my child, where have you been?”

if you interpret it like me, we ask God where He is in our lives so much, when God’s asking us the same thing. the question is no longer from us. the question is where have we been?  

back to my original thought. i said a few things recently that i deeply regret saying and did a few things i regret doing. i abandoned someone who cared about me, when in fact they really did, but i doubted it. i abandoned God because i thought He didn’t care about me, i doubted Him. i plan to change that all. i’ve prayed, and thought out loud to God. 

i want you to know i still feel you everywhere.
i want You to know i still feel you everywhere.

I Don’t Keep Secrets and Secrets Don’t Stay With Me…

i changed my mind about this thing. this is about me, my thoughts, and what i want it to be. 

here’s something i wrote last night:

i used to think we were perfect
i thought we were meant to be
i know i looked up to the sky 
when God’s right behind me

i once stood upright and still
now i’m on my knees and screaming
i’m not alive, i’m just breathing
i gave you life, you gave me nothing

i had a whole heart inside
now it’s broken from the hand i once held 
i’m not alive, i’m just breathing
cause without a heart, i’m nothing

i’ll be the ghost that watches you sleep
i’ll be the one who becomes your life
i’ll be the ghost who stays awake
i won’t sleep until i’m dead. 

 

it’s a long story. things are pretty rough right now. there’ll be more later when i’m ready to talk.

“i used to love this town, i used to pray with both feet on the ground”
-the devil and the lion (RIP)

Give Me the Chance to Take Your Breath Away…

the power of prayer:

some may think that if you pray, it will be answered extremely quickly and to be truthful… no it doesn’t.  i’ve been praying recently to God to help me and guide me to love Him more before i love someone else. i asked Him to guide me to His salvation before i share my walk with a girl. God answers prayers when He knows you are ready for them to be answered.

i’ve been blessed by God this spring break. it’s amazing how this all worked out. i’ll post more later because i want this to be perfect. i’m going to get coffee with her now. and i can’t wait for another amazing conversation with her.

If the Lord is Going to Find Me, He Better Start Looking Today…

i love fun.
the ex-Format, ex-Anathallo, and Steel Train guys…
and i like the whole idea of fun, too.

i wonder what it means to be in a relationship. i haven’t been in one all year. at least officially. there have been people i’ve liked and they’ve liked me back, but officially nothing has come of it. i watched that “fireproof” movie today and i expected to feel and think nothing afterwards… i completely judged it wrong. relationships aren’t about dates and candlelit dinners. they aren’t about the next valentine’s day or next box of chocolates. i’ve seen it that way all this time and after seeing this movie, i see what being in a relationship is really about. i really have seen how you care for someone. i’ve seen the promise you make to someone. “fireproof” may not have been the best movie in the world, but it’s message was certainly good and they sure got it across.

i hate what i’ve become.

i listen to people’s life stories for a week and then, i never continue to be apart of their life story afterwards. i give up on people too quickly and too much. why am i living this way? what person am i that i treat people this way? 

i don’t have friends, i just have people to rely on. 
i miss the days where i wanted to talk to everyone on my contact list in phone. now, i pick and choose. i let people down. i let God down most of all. but, is that even enough for me to change? it is right now obviously. but, the next few weeks, will i feel like it was everything for nothing? or was it nothing for everything? will it be a waste of time? or will it be time wasted? 

i’m sorry to those of you that i abandoned. i’m sorry for hurting you. this isn’t enough for forgiveness. this is the start of it. i’ve acknowledged you. i won’t list your names, but you are in my heart and i’ll make the effort to apologize. i promise.

i just gotta get myself over me.
and i hate what i have become… (listen to The First Single by The Format, you’ll get my gist of this thing)

I Think I Know You The Best When I Sleep

i went to the st. patrick’s day festival in 5 points today. it was okay i guess.

i really enjoyed manchester orchestra. mutemath left me on the other end.

i enjoyed pizza with andy and watched the office with him and his sister.

i came home and started a blog.

 

i am at home now and i feel nothing. i’m not really excited to be home. there’s no one here for me really to hang out with except andy. all of our friends are in rock hill. i want to be with the band. i’m in love with being the person that my parents never see.

“hearts aren’t really our guides, we are truly alone.”

i look back on my life and i wonder why certain things happen and wonder what would happen if one tiny thing didn’t happen to me, if i’d be a different person than i am now. would i be better person? would i be worse? would i be dead? 

i’ve noticed that when you talk about things that you want to happen you get happier. but then, you really think about those things happening and the probability of them happening and then, you are back to the depressed state of mind. everything sounds great until reality hits the mute button.

this blog isn’t because i need a place to whine about my life. (yes that is directed towards you conservative people that think blogging is stupid). this blog is because i’m going to pour my thoughts out to the world. whether you care or not is none of my concern. this blog is for me to discover me.

and i simply will put it like this, i’m not a Christian. now some of you that read this will say “yeh you are? you go to church and what not?” yeh you are right. i do. but, the Bible says not to be a Christian, it says to be Christ-like. (“oh that’s so cliche to say). get over it, that’s how i truly feel. if you don’t like it, like i said “i don’t care”.