I Am The Only One Who Thinks I’m Going Crazy, and I Don’t Know What To Do…

Love is big. Love is small. Love is round, and around. Love is straight. Love is strong, weak, fragile, sturdy. Love is breakable. Love is unbreakable. Love is visible, Love is invisible. Love is open. Love is closed. Love is crazy. Love is normal. Love is nothing. Love is everything.

It’s hard to say those three words I and Love and You. (I really like the Avett Brothers, that’s why I said it that way). But in a sense it’s the simplest words of the English language to say. All one syllable, easy to read, and no matter what language it’s in, it still sounds beautiful…. or to me.

It’s who you say it to that makes the difference. It can either be really good or really bad. So people out there say be careful with words I love you, others say LOVE EVERYOOOOONEEE!! WEEEEEE! and you think they’re crazy. Okay so they don’t really say it like that, but there are people who just say love everyone. I don’t know who sang the song, but in A Night at the Roxbury, that song that plays while they shake their heads singing “What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me no more”. Ok well, I think they posed a question that no one can still answer.

I will not give you a definition.

I will not tell you what I think you should think.

This is me saying that love is dangerous, love should be given to everyone, which is why it is so amazing.

Sweet Disposition

I’m recently lost. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. I know I’m going to school for a degree and I’m in a band where things are beginning to take off. You could say to me, “You have it made, quit whining, and be happy.” And if you are going to say that, then, just stop reading here. I know it’s been a while but the whole reason I said I was doing this blog was to talk about my life and I wasn’t looking for opinions, ideas, or advice. I’m just writing.

Lost – 1. unable to find one’s way, 2. beyond recovery or redemption, fallen or destroyed.

So for this first definition, I thought to myself do I even know where I’m going? Because being “unable to find one’s way” one would have to know where that way is or what it is they want. I guess you could say I don’t know what I want. I don’t feel much of God these days. I want to know that feeling again, but it’s hard to get a feeling like that back. I don’t know where I’m going, so maybe that will lead to number two, the longer I stay here, I’ll become fallen or destroyed.

UP

So i saw UP tonight with dave and julia. it was pretty darn epic. i absolutely loved it and read into every detail that (from what i believe) pixar and disney were attempting to portray. no other movie has really done that for me. there’s those ones like the mighty ducks that tell me to no matter what, don’t give up, but i had to watch it a few times. okay, even though i was only nine when i probably first saw it, even when i was  18 and watching it again, i had to give it a second look before i understood it. UP showed me that life is an adventure, the people in your life are there for a reason, don’t stop trying to pursue the one thing you want, but at the same time love and care for others wants/needs as well, and last but not least, live life to the fullest. it’s so cliche to say that, but it’s so true. so here’s some music that i feel is UP-worthy. i give you the UP Mixtape.

1. At Least I’m Not As Sad As I Used To Be – Fun
2. Dee the Dinosaur – Brian Bonz
3. Light As Air – Deas Vail
4. Snails – The Format
5. Coney Island – Good Old War
6. The Best Happiness Money Can Buy – I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody’s Business
7. Carry You – Jimmy Eat World
8. In Ohio On Some Steps – Limbeck
9. Just Glide – Lost Ocean
10.  Next To You – Randall Goodgame
11. Skies So Blue – The Rocket Summer
12. I’ll Wait For You – Sherwood

Discover…

this mixtape signifies my life right now. i’m searching for something, someone, God… i don’t know what. it could be God, it could be someone, or it could be just some thing. either way this music has been  helping me get through it. i caught a bad case of nostalgia so all i’ve really been listening to is old pop punk from back in the day and some new stuff, but still pop punk from well-established bands… meaning they’re old, but still good and making music. i’ll post the link in a day or two.

1. The Only Thing I Have (The Sign) – Ace Enders and A Million Different People
2. Ready – The Starting Line
3. Twenty Below – Hidden In Plain View
4. Knights of the Island Counter  - Dave Melillo
5. Dream To Make Believe – Armor For Sleep
6. The Great Escape – Boys Like Girls
7. Bonnie Taylor Shakedown 2K4 – Hellogoodbye
8. The Story So Far… – New Found Glory
9. The Minstrel’s Prayer – Cartel
10. Something That Produces Results – The Early November
11. Bittersweet Symphony – Ace Enders and A Million Different People (feat. Craig Owens, Kenny Vasoli, Aaron Marsh, Mark Hoppus, Matt Thiessen)

I’ve Figured It Out.

I believe this blog is going to have a bit more music in it and how it is incorporated into my life.

It will be a series of mixtapes. Get ready because it is going to be legend… wait for it… dary!

Stitches Get Sewn As The Story Changes…

I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve witnessed someone else taking over my body and soul.

I’ve lost who I am.

I’ve given into what makes me happy, not what makes me alive.

I’m giving it away, or trying to. But I still question myself, am I really trying?

I miss that year where you told me how you felt and I told you the same. We were college freshman and we were alive. I would put it this way:

“We were like dinosaurs” - Brian Bonz

I may have a second chance, I may not. My patience and self-control are going to be tested to no ends. I’ve let you go before because I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe, I was wrong. Maybe letting go of someone to make them happier isn’t the right thing. I’m sorry I did. I pray, I hope, that this time around we can be like dinosaurs. 

pray for me.

I Used to Love This Town…

i’m no longer in lexington. i’m out of there. 
i’m in rock hill, sc now and i’m so happy.

i hated lexington. i hated everything a part of that town except for 3 things.
1. family
2. the winthrop friends that live there
3. a very select few friends that live there, that i rarely talk to anyways.

all of those people said that i’d amount to nothing and stay in lexington and find a lexington job, well, look at me now.
i’m out of your rink-a-dink town and making something of myself. i don’t have to deal with you people anymore! 

i’m sorry if that sounds mean, but you really don’t know how much i didn’t like  lexington high school and how much i didn’t like the people. 
i hope you are glad i’m gone as well.

i don’t mean to be a jerk about this, but seriously, take a look at lexington, it’s people, and really tell me what is so great about it… nothing. 
Bottom line: I’m gone. I’m happy. Good luck being happy in lexington if you are not over the age of 30.

I Felt the Lord Begin to Peel Off All My Skin

It has been a while. 

I recently just went to see manchester orchestra, fun., audrye sessions, and i would say winston audio, but i got there late so i did not see winston audio actually perform, but have before and they are great. 

audrye sessions caught me off guard. i never heard of them and thought they would be the lame band that is on the tour that no one really likes, but they showed me a thing or two. they were pretty awesome… i got their music as quickly as possible and they have not disappointed at all.

fun.
what more do i have to say? it was so much “fun”. i never wanted to actually dance at a show, but i wanted to when fun. played their set. it had so much energy and as cheesy as it sounds, i felt like their needed to be balloons, confetti, bubbles, and just bright colors everywhere. they really made the show. i absolutely loved it and cannot wait for their debut album to come out. it truly will blow the snobby music critics out of the water… how do i know? i am one.

manchester.
i’ve seen this band more than i can remember and each performance is better and better. i remember the days when my friends and i would go to waffle house with them after a show. now, they are playing david letterman and enjoying all types of fans and press. they stayed true the entire road though. they remember where they were just 2 or 3 years ago and remember what a real band is about. they will never leave my top 5 music artists. 

-

on my thought side of things. 
a manchester orchestra song called “shake it out (alternate version)” has recently just been played a good many times in my iTunes. one line sticks out to me, “i felt the wave within reveal the bigger mess that you can’t fix… i’ll get down on my knees, just show me everything”. and it shows me that i think i can fix everything wrong in my life when God won’t do anything or just wont “answer” me.

i’m not a patient person, but i do know that God won’t fix things quickly unless He believes it necessary. but as i listened to this, it showed me that even though i try to be patient, i still try to fix the mess that’s bigger than me, that i cannot fix. i focus on so much with what’s wrong, that i forget what’s right and beautiful. i forget who made me into where i am. and no it’s not because i’m taking things for granted, because honestly, we take things for granted everyday whether we know it or not, but i forget that there was a person that came to this earth who lived perfectly and without flaw, and then suffered for me because He loved me. as God gives me everything, i give Him nothing. 

God is everything and i am nothing. 
i deserve none of the everything He gave me.
i am the hypocrite that loves sincerity.

Searching For Nothing Everywhere

Indiana Jones

So i’ve been watching the past couple nights the Indiana Jones movies and hey look i added a picture to make this blog look a little bit fancier. And as for the last post it says in the beginning a description about Caroline Pt. 2 however, there’s no mention of Caroline anywhere so just disregard that whole thing.

Anyways… i’ve been watching these movies (which i’ve actually never seen before) and they really stand out to me. Most movies of this genre try to play God off as not real and fake because it’s history, factual and all about truth. But, these are very well put together with God sort of as a character (at least in the first one).

THE MEANING OF INDIANA JONES:

As i’ve watched them i realized that in life we search for things when we have nothing to guide us there. We have relationships with nothing to build off of. We have certain beliefs but no evidence to support them. Indiana Jones has it a bit different. You hear him say how amazing a certain piece of history is, but everyone around him thinks he’s crazy. Then, he finds his evidence and everyone believes he’s amazing and they want what he has.

i feel like this is what my relationship with God should be. i know He’s there and i know He’s working through me. But, people look at me and say “yeah right” and then, i show them and tell them to look at what God has done for me and then, they immediately want what i have. and it’s not material, it’s spiritual. they want to feel the passion and need for a Saviour King.

ANOTHER MEANING:
i’ve also seen these movies kind of work into my relationships with people. again, there are people that we say we are friends with, but there is no foundation whatsoever to support such a claim. they see how i am with others and i show them the evidence or structure of that friendship and then, they want it and want to jump right into it. but, it takes more than just one day. it takes more than just one night. it’s more than even a week. a friendship is two things and if one person is working towards and the other is not, then it’s not a friendship. it’s working for something you never had to begin with. trust me, with my experience, i try my best to work with people to get on the level of being as close to them as possible, but here are the reasons that draw me back:

1. if they can’t accept my past, then they can’t accept me now.
2. if they can’t accept me now, then really what’s the point?
3. if they can’t accept my other friends.

Indiana Jones showed me that friendships need support. We must look for more and more evidence, structure, and history of someone to support the friendship.

I’ve Got Friends In All The Right Places

First of all, no this is not about a girl named Caroline. It’s a song from the past that Andy wrote after the band i was in released a song called Caroline.

Today, all i listened to was fun. And it was “fun”.
Nothing musically has ever put me in that good of a mood in a long time. Props, Nate.

The song “At Least I’m Not As Sad … As I Used to Be” really started showing me friendships and their meanings. The phrase “I don’t make friends, I just stay acquainted” showed me the side of friendship i hadn’t seen.
In my life there are four groups of people in my life.

This will be truthful and not sugar-coated, if you don’t like it, then don’t read it.

i gave you a warning.

The first group is the peasants. These people are the people i talk to but i am going to be ok if i don’t see them ever again. it’s just that they are people i don’t truly know and if i don’t know them, then why would i feel remorse they became non-existant when i didn’t know them. i hope you understand what i’m saying. it’s pretty harsh, but when i thought about it, it’s true.

The next group are the townspeople. These are the people that i talk to on a better level and i like having them around. i feel that in some instances i need them to be around for one thing or another. concerning these people i don’t go far into the relationship with them, the deepest we get is usually about our feelings on politics. and i don’t usually talk about politics.

The next group are the nobles. They are the people i need to keep everything in perspective. They are there to make everything a little bit more complete. They aren’t back ups, they have their own place in my life, but they don’t have a true personal contact with the real me. i care about them and they care about me, but we have our own places to be. we’re almost like the United States and England. yeh, we get alone, we got a bit in common, but we do our own thing but we still enjoy hanging out every now and then.

The next group is royalty. i respect these people with my heart because they respect me with their heart. They show up when i need them, and i show up when they need me. We have each other’s backs. It’s the relationship you can have with someone by just sitting in silence and still have a great time. They are the people you go to and to discover that they think the same thing about a certain whatever. They are in the same book, same chapter, same page, same paragraph, same sentence with you. They are not afraid to say “i love you” even when it’s the same sex. They say it with heart. They mean it. These are the people i could not make a day without.

The last person is Jesus obviously. He is more important than all of the above. And as harsh as i put it. That is the way i feel about friendships and the people in my life. If you think you are in a group and it upsets you,… well, don’t get upset yet because things can change. God didn’t make the world to stay in a constant state. He created change as well.

Those are my friendships. And the way i SEE them. If you have a different opinion, great, fantastic, but if you don’t, i’m sorry, and maybe we’ll see eye to eye somehow, someway, someday.